Ramblings of an Inquisitive Mind

Memories

I have a very hard time remembering much about my childhood. I have a good memory in general, but for some reason a lot of those early memories are fuzzy. I think I remember it mainly through photos and I guess that is why photographs have such meaning for me. Photos show me riding my pony, Little Bit, but it is hard for me to remember actually riding him. I don’t know if everyone is like this; I have only lived in this body so I think my lack of memories is odd.

Today I met Lorene and Sylvia for brunch at the Little City Diner. It is a cute place with great food, and we plan on making the Sunday brunch a weekly event. After leaving the diner, I headed to Lowe’s to grab a few things. I pulled into the parking lot and jumped out of the truck. In a parking space in the row behind me, I noticed a father with two young boys. The dad was tying down the Christmas tree they had just purchased.

The younger of the two boys was not really old enough to understand what was going on but the older boy was extremely proud of their tree. He watched his dad work and looked up at me when I got out of the truck. I asked, “Got your Christmas tree?” He smiled and said yes. I replied, “I think you got a really great one.” He seemed excited that I noticed and he thanked me.

That’s when I realized the dad was talking on his cell phone and not really noticing me, my conversation with his son, or the fact that the younger boy had wandered away and looked like he was about to start playing in the middle of the parking lot. Then it hit me – I wonder how many times I miss out on life because I am not present where my body is, and waste precious moments that I will never get back.

I walked into the garden section of Lowe’s and took a deep breath. The smell of the freshly cut trees was delightful – it just made me feel like smiling. I noticed the Christmas lights and decorations. I was walking by the artificial trees when one of them caught my eye – it had been dusted with fake snow. All of a sudden, I was a child again.

I could remember family trips to Fat Man’s Forest in Augusta to pick out our Christmas tree. We would pick a live tree and Dad would have them spray it with fake snow. We would make the trip home, then begin decorating the tree. Some years we used blue ornaments, other years red – it just depended on what mom wanted.

Fat Man’s Forest was what I imagined Santa’s workshop must be like. It had room after room of lights and decorations. Each room had a theme and I could hardly wait to get to the next room. There were electric trains running through the building. The smell of apple cider filled the place. Fat Man’s had the most wonderful (but noisy) animated outdoor decorations – Santa popping in and out of a chimney, angels singing, elves at a workbench, reindeer pulling a sleigh. This was before everyone had the giant outdoor decorations, so to me as a kid, this place was heaven.

Suddenly, I am back at Lowe’s looking for a heater. But just the warmth of all those memories changed me. I picked up a small Norfolk pine tree and put it in my basket. It has been years since I felt good about Christmas. It is usually a hard time for me, a time of not belonging and feeling disconnected. But this year – this year I believe will be different. I think this year the magic of Christmas may be real for me again. A time to be where my body is and to enjoy each moment. To delight in the wonderment of children – to enjoy the chill in the air – to drink hot apple cider – to help others in need – to spend time with friends and family . . . to experience the true meaning of Christmas.

Halloween

Halloween night. I live so far off the beaten path that I never expect any kids to stop by and trick or treat. This year was no different – and that is okay with me. My friend Sylvia came over and we ate pizza and had lots of laughs.   

After Sylvia left, I still had dogs to take out and other things to do before going to bed. It was around 11:30 or so when I took Freddie out, and I had the most amazing experience. There were no stars out and not much light in the sky, and it felt like rain might be on the way. The temperature was just right. The wind picked up and the leaves on the trees started to rustle. The leaves made that noise they make only in the fall, when they are dried and lifeless and just waiting to drop and cover the ground. The air was unbelievable – I just wanted to take a deep breath and hold it in my lungs forever.  I looked up into the vastness of the sky and I swear I felt the presence of the souls of loved ones who have passed from this world. It was so uplifting and comforting. I felt cared for and loved.

One particular soul seemed to stand out from the rest this night: my dear, sweet Aunt Mildred. I could almost see her smiling and hear her laughter. It warmed my heart to think that she is watching over me. But she was not the only one, and I felt completely surrounded and protected by their love.

When I came back inside, I felt like I was walking on clouds and I remembered a conversation with my friend Claudia from Brazil. I am so interested in people that every time we get a foreign visitor at the lab, I have to start with the questions. I love to learn about other cultures and traditions. Several years ago I met Claudia, a post-doc from Brazil. I was very interested to know about Brazilian holidays and celebrations, and I asked her about Halloween in Brazil. It is not a holiday in Brazil, but the younger generation seems to be adopting some of the North American ideas about costumes and candy. Claudia told me about Dia de Finados, which is celebrated on November 2. She told me it is a time to visit the graves of loved ones and pray for the souls of those who have passed away.

The Brazilian holiday is similar to the Mexican holiday Día de Muertos or Day of the Dead. In Mexico, the celebration runs from October 31 through November 2. To celebrate, people build altars and place the loved one’s favorite foods and drinks on them, along with photos of the loved one. They go to the cemetery to eat, drink, and tell stories about the deceased.

I really like this idea of souls revisiting the earth and their loved ones celebrating them. So now every Halloween, I will think about these traditions and what it means to have a day of remembrance for those who have left this earth. I think I will start my own Halloween tradition of thanking and blessing my loved ones—both human and animal—who have left this world physically but continue to touch my life every day.

I believe in souls. They are the essence that makes us who we are deep in our core, the part that stays with those who are left behind. When I think of the people and animals I have lost, my eyes still fill with tears. It is as if that place in my body – that part of my soul – feels lonely, and longs to be with them. So maybe I will not wait for Halloween to celebrate the blessings I’ve received from knowing each one of these beings. Maybe, instead, I will try to be aware of their closeness to me every day. If I hold them close and remember them, then they are still here.

Maybe that it what everlasting life is – that once a soul touches this earth, a ripple effect begins. And once begun it multiplies endlessly, as that soul’s ripple touches other souls and the ripple continues generation after generation. The whole world is changed in some way each time a soul is born and each time a soul is taken away. So many times, I forget this fact of our connectedness, but it is true. We are all connected – living on this planet hurling through space.  

An Introduction

Welcome to my new blog, “Ramblings of an Inquisitive Mind.” This blog will be different from “Dance of a Warrior.” “Warrior” helped me live through my cancer diagnosis and treatment. Many of you walked right alongside me throughout that journey and your support has been invaluable. That blog is probably not completely finished, but it is also time to move forward.

You already know that my mind works in very strange ways – hence the title of the new blog. “Ramblings” will be more of a vehicle for me to share my inner thoughts and feelings about life in general; I already have a number of these I would love to share with you. Please feel to share these posts with others, and I look forward to hearing your feedback.

Love to all of you – and again, thank you for carrying me through this year.