Ramblings of an Inquisitive Mind

Evolution

I have to tell you what happened to me this weekend. I had breakfast at Little City Diner with Lorene, Sylvia, Kim, and Steve. We had a great time – I have really enjoyed making this a regular Sunday event. Not the same thing as going to church, I guess, but it’s good to spend the morning with people I truly love. After breakfast it was time to get on with the day – a quick trip to Goodwill, then a stop at Tractor Supply.

It was a beautiful morning and I was feeling good. I ran in to Tractor Supply and picked up hay for the goats and some food for the cats. As I was making my way to the checkout, I stopped in the area with the clothes. I always cruise through that area to look for sale items. As I was looking at the sales rack, I looked up and saw a rack with infant and toddler outfits.

The feeling that hit me was so unbelievable. I have never felt anything like it – a real emptiness. I could physically feel the emptiness in my arms, knowing that I will never hold my own child. My heart broke. I have never experienced anything close to that in the past. I have often thought that by not having children I missed something in life; I can never know what that bond between a mother and her child is like. So this sadness crept in and settled over me for most of the day.

Well, you know how my mind works; I started analyzing myself and trying to figure out if I have finally gone crazy. As a biologist I look at a lot of things through a biological framework, and I understand that there is a drive to pass your genes on to the next generation. I can remember an old genetics professor explaining that if you do not have children and pass your genes on, then as far as evolution is concerned, you are a failure.

An evolutionary failure – damn!!! That does not sound good. So is that the only thing we are here for – to pass on our genes? Is that truly the driving force in our world? When I look at other animals somehow that all makes sense. But it seems difficult to explain looking at our species. I wonder if we have thrown a huge curve ball at evolution and natural selection with all the advances we have made in travel, technology, and medicine.

As the day wore on and I continue to brood, my mind switched to thinking about what I could leave this world. Just think of all the music, art, and literature we’ve been blessed with. You can turn on the radio any time and hear Patsy Cline, Janis Joplin, and others who were gone far too soon but left us with their music. The same is true of the art that hangs in museums throughout the world, and of the great works of literature. Don’t those things add a richness to our lives – not actual genes passed down to us, but beautiful works that survive generation after generation?

Since I will not be passing down any genes, I guess I should figure out what I can pass on to the next generation. I don’t think you will hear me singing on the radio, see my artwork hung in a museum, or read a great work of literature written by me – so what??? I guess that is where all these crazy thoughts have led. To a question only I can answer.

Ant Farm

When you were a kid, did you ever have one of those ant farms? The contraption had sand and ants in the middle and the sides were glass. You could sit there and watch the ants as they scrambled about getting on with the business at hand.

Have you ever wondered, What if we are living in someone else’s ant farm? Here we are, trying to go about the business of living, when that someone decides to turn the ant farm upside down, or maybe just tilt it a little bit. Then we go stumbling, falling out of control until we can get our feet back on the ground. We are no longer at the same place and it seems like we have to start living—start building our lives—all over again.

That is the way my life seems to me right now. Every time I think I have my feet back under me, someone tilts the goddamn ant farm again. I am tired, and wonder if all this living is worth it.

Don’t get me wrong: I love my life. I just hate that with this living comes so much pain. The pain of losing the people or animals I love. The pain that makes it feel like my heart and soul are being ripped right through my chest and I can’t do anything to stop it. That pain that makes it seem difficult even to catch my next breath.

You know, my mind starts thinking, “What goes around comes around.” But damn! Really? I’m trying to remember what I could have done that has karma biting my ass!

I know that life is hard. I know I should enjoy the goodness and beauty of each day, because I never know when that asshole might tilt the ant farm again.