Ramblings of an Inquisitive Mind

Lisa

Yesterday, the past and the present almost collided at the intersection of Broad and Milledge in Athens, Georgia. I was heading back to work after dropping off a check at an office on Milledge Avenue. I had a green light and started to pull into the intersection when I heard a siren. I hesitated, waited, and looked both ways. Approaching the intersection was a fire truck, siren blaring, lights flashing. I looked across the intersection and there was a silver SUV that was not stopping. I begin screaming, “No, no, no!” At the last moment the SUV stopped and the fire truck drove safely through the intersection. My mind raced back to my senior year in high school.

I can still remember going to school that morning and finding out that Lisa had been killed in a car accident. As much as I can remember from that time, Lisa had been a passenger in someone else’s car. The car was hit by a fire truck, just a few blocks from where I sat yesterday watching everything unfold in slow motion. It was the first time in my life that I lost someone who was close to my age.

I made it to the pay phone in the hall outside the principal’s office and called my mom. I told her and we both started crying. Lisa was two years older than me; she had already graduated and was going to UGA. We played basketball together and shared a lot of sweat, tears, and laughter. Hearing that news shook us all to our core. We had a basketball game that night but our coach cancelled it. There was no way any of us could have made it through that game.

Lisa was a shining light. If our whole team was in a room together, I guarantee you she would be the one who stood out. She had an infectious smile, a beautiful laugh, and a twinkle in her eye that always hinted that she might be up to something – a personality that just made people love her. She was not the best player on our team, but I think what she gave us was swagger. She was tough, she did not back down, and she always gave her best.

I have always been a person who connects to others’ souls whether they are aware of it or not. It was the same with Lisa, even more so than with the other girls in her class. Through her beautiful smiles and laughter, I sensed a deep sadness and longing. Her dark brown eyes had a depth to them that was much older than the young body that contained them. She was an old soul and I felt drawn to her.

I have thought about Lisa many times over the years. It still brings tears to my eyes when I realize that she is gone. I remember being at the funeral home, trying to make sense of these events. I said to Lisa’s cousin something to the effect that, “God always takes the good ones.” Her cousin said something like, “Well, you didn’t go on our class trip with us, so you didn’t get to see how she acted.” The comment blew me away. How could anyone say something like that at someone’s funeral? To me the comment said far more about the person who made it than about the person it referred to. It’s funny how certain things stick in my mind; I think that comment will always be there.

Today I still struggle at times to understand. I do not feel like God always takes the good ones. I think horrible accidents happen and we lose people we love and care for. I don’t think God causes these accidents to happen or selects certain people to die during these types of horrible events. I think God just gives us the strength to live through these moments.

I also think my most embarrassing moment involves Lisa. After all these years, I am still embarrassed and still feel like an idiot. Since Lisa was older than me, I guess I Iooked up to all the girls in that class who were on our basketball team – but like I said, Lisa was our shining star. It was Christmas time, and I wanted to get her something. I told my mom and she went and bought these god-awful hair clips. Lisa was a senior at the time, and my mom bought her hair clips with ladybugs on them. I did not want to give her those things but my mom insisted. I wrote a note to Lisa and said that my mom had bought them. I handed her the gift in the locker room before practice and headed to the gym. She never mentioned it and neither did I.

I figured maybe she opened the gift in the locker room and had a good laugh with the other girls. You would not believe how embarrassed I am about the whole thing, even today. I was such a good kid – I did everything my folks told me to do. I wish I had just thrown the damn hair clips in the trash, but even at that age, I could not lie to my mom – still can’t.

So, my dear friend Lisa, you are missed. You are remembered and you are forever young. I am often angry when I think of the things that you have missed, but because I am a selfish human being, I am also angry that we got cheated out of knowing the beautiful woman you would have become. The laugh, the smile, the twinkle in your eye – they are all still here. I just close my eyes sometimes and I can still see you. I miss you, my dear friend.

Darkness

It is here. It is surrounding me, pulling me downward toward the darkness. Some of you will have no idea what I am talking about, but others – you know. You have had it come in and pull you into that deep, dark hole. It seems to come out of nowhere at times. I am not talking about the down days that we all have; I am talking about something that goes over that line.

I have finally started to feel better physically. My body is repairing itself from the radiation and chemo. It is good to feel stronger and have more energy. But now the mind is searching – digging deeper into its own psyche. I am still on my medication. I have taken these antidepressants for years. Most of the time they are enough, but I have traveled down this “dark night of the soul” journey before when taking my meds. I think this is just who I am. I guess you could say depressive, but these times are more of a spiritual journey or awakening for me. They open me up to depths that I have never reached before. Painful – yes. Scary – yes. A trip I enjoy taking – no. A trip that I have to take – yes.

It is not that I see the world as doomed or that I think negatively of everything; it is really the opposite. Every time I have taken one of these journeys, when I reach the other side my life is different – better – for having taking this journey. It is never easy opening up the dark corners of my soul, but it is that part of myself that I need to know. It is a journey I must take alone, but a journey I will share with you. I will not pull you into the darkness with me, but I will try to open myself up so we can all learn from this experience. I think there is a reason why I have not written much lately: I have been avoiding this trip. But now – since I have no idea who I am anymore – it is time.

There is another side to this dark journey; I know it because I have seen it after walking this path on several occasions. Once on the other side, the world, the light, the air – they will all feel different. None of those things will really have changed, but I will change. I will be renewed and reborn. The light will once again twinkle in my eye and my heart will be filled to the brim with more love and understanding.

So please bear with me as I walk this path again. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and I will do the same for all of you.