Ramblings of an Inquisitive Mind

It is here. It is surrounding me, pulling me downward toward the darkness. Some of you will have no idea what I am talking about, but others – you know. You have had it come in and pull you into that deep, dark hole. It seems to come out of nowhere at times. I am not talking about the down days that we all have; I am talking about something that goes over that line.

I have finally started to feel better physically. My body is repairing itself from the radiation and chemo. It is good to feel stronger and have more energy. But now the mind is searching – digging deeper into its own psyche. I am still on my medication. I have taken these antidepressants for years. Most of the time they are enough, but I have traveled down this “dark night of the soul” journey before when taking my meds. I think this is just who I am. I guess you could say depressive, but these times are more of a spiritual journey or awakening for me. They open me up to depths that I have never reached before. Painful – yes. Scary – yes. A trip I enjoy taking – no. A trip that I have to take – yes.

It is not that I see the world as doomed or that I think negatively of everything; it is really the opposite. Every time I have taken one of these journeys, when I reach the other side my life is different – better – for having taking this journey. It is never easy opening up the dark corners of my soul, but it is that part of myself that I need to know. It is a journey I must take alone, but a journey I will share with you. I will not pull you into the darkness with me, but I will try to open myself up so we can all learn from this experience. I think there is a reason why I have not written much lately: I have been avoiding this trip. But now – since I have no idea who I am anymore – it is time.

There is another side to this dark journey; I know it because I have seen it after walking this path on several occasions. Once on the other side, the world, the light, the air – they will all feel different. None of those things will really have changed, but I will change. I will be renewed and reborn. The light will once again twinkle in my eye and my heart will be filled to the brim with more love and understanding.

So please bear with me as I walk this path again. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and I will do the same for all of you.