Ramblings of an Inquisitive Mind

Johnny and Cheeseburger

The first time I remember seeing Johnny, he was sitting on his duffle bag outside a convenience store on the east side of Athens. Sitting right beside him was a dog. I noticed both of them as I ran into the store to use the ATM.

On the way out of the store, I reached into my pocket and handed him five dollars. I don’t know why – I usually don’t do that sort of thing. He thanked me and started talking. “My name is Johnny and this here is Cheeseburger – I have had him since he was a puppy.” I looked at Cheeseburger. He had the sweetest eyes, one of which was blue. Johnny told me that he and Cheeseburger left New Orleans after Katrina and ended up here in Athens. He also said he never imagined he would be living this way.

I see Johnny and Cheeseburger often and I always stop and give him a few bucks and chat. I like Johnny; I never see him asking anyone for money. I just see him walking around the Eastside with Cheeseburger faithfully by his side. He always seems genuinely grateful and amazed when I stop, talk, ask about Cheeseburger, and give them a little money. One Christmas, I saw the two of them in the parking lot of my favorite grocery store. I got out a little money and handed it to him. “Are you kidding me?” he asked. “Thank you and God bless you.” Cheeseburger stood right there beside his dad, looking up at the two of us as we chatted.

During one of our conversations, Johnny started talking to me about Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger is getting older, and Johnny knows it. There is a vet on the east side of Athens who helps Johnny out with Cheeseburger. Johnny tells me about getting Cheeseburger as a puppy and how they have been together for years. He doesn’t know what he will do when something happens to Cheeseburger. Then he looks at me and says, “Who knows? I might die before he does.”

My heart was breaking just thinking about this man and his dog. The only thing that has been a constant in Johnny’s life for all these years has been Cheeseburger, so I too wonder what will happen to Johnny without him.

I have seen these two many times since that conversation. Johnny has aged a good bit and so has Cheeseburger. I saw them this summer and asked how things were going. Johnny said the heat was getting to him but that it was even harder for Cheeseburger. I could tell Cheeseburger was slowing down; he still had the same sweet eyes, but they weren’t moving nearly as fast. I worry about them: where they sleep, whether they’re safe. I see other people talking to Johnny on occasion and he always seems so kind and thankful when people stop and talk to him.

Tonight I met some friends in Athens for dinner, then had to run into the grocery store before heading home. When I get there, guess who I see? Johnny and Cheeseburger. This time Cheeseburger is in a wagon and Johnny is pulling him around. I sit down and talk to Johnny and give Cheeseburger several pats on the head. Johnny tells me Cheeseburger doesn’t like riding in the wagon but he really has to now. Johnny also says he feels like Cheeseburger just looks up at him as if to say, “Do something to help me.” He says when Cheeseburger dies he will have him buried. Then Johnny says when he dies, he will have his ashes sprinkled on top of Cheeseburger.

If Cheeseburger lives to May of this year, he will be 15 years old. He has been Johnny’s constant companion for all these years. I worry about what will happen to Johnny when the time comes to let Cheeseburger go. It is raining tonight and Johnny tells me he doesn’t want to go hang out in his tent. It is nice to hear the rain on the tent, he says, and it is waterproof, but he just doesn’t want to hang out in it all night. He thinks he will pull Cheeseburger down the street to a little pizza place and watch some of the Super Bowl. I give him a little money and head toward my truck. He thanks me and tells me, “You made my night.”

What Johnny doesn’t know is that he also made my night. I feel very blessed to be able to spend time talking to Johnny. He has had a hard life. He is addicted to drugs – that is his thing, he tells me. I know some people might look at Johnny and think he is useless, while others might just look away and ignore him. It is hard for many people to imagine living a life like he does. But I see Johnny differently. Here is a man who has cared for and loved another living being for 15 years. He has made a difference in Cheeseburger’s life and without even knowing it, he has also made a difference in my life.

Since I have been in recovery, I have often heard the phrase, “There but for the grace of God go I.” That may sound overly dramatic for a woman with a job, house, car, friends, and family – but it is not dramatic. I could be Johnny. I have watched people like Johnny come into recovery and I have seen the miracle that takes place in their lives. I have watched as these people have changed and started living life to the fullest. You might think I should not give Johnny money, that he will just spend it on drugs. But I once heard a former user say that he always gives people money in the hope that they will make it through the day, and maybe tomorrow find recovery.

I have also seen people become Johnny. I have watched as friends have been unable to stay clean and sober. I remember one woman who was so important to me in my early recovery. One of the things she said at my first meeting I still remember today. I think that kept me going to meetings for some time in my early recovery. She was a beautiful woman but even though she helped many people, she was unable to stay clean and sober. I saw her several years ago and did not even recognize her. She died this past year – addicted and alone. So yes: There but for the grace of God go I.

I watch as people walk by, laughing and making snide remarks about Johnny and other people like him. Maybe those people have never suffered with addiction or mental illness. I wonder sometimes, Where is your empathy, your humanity – your soul? We are all the same; some of us are just more fortunate than others. I hate to think about the day I run into Johnny, and Cheeseburger is not with him. I wonder if they have stayed alive so long just to take care of each other.

When you turn off your lights tonight, before you go to sleep in your nice warm bed, please say a prayer for my friends Johnny and Cheeseburger. It is the least you can do.