Ramblings of an Inquisitive Mind

June 9, 2016

Today is my mother’s birthday. Today marks her 80th birthday and the first birthday for us since she passed away six months ago. I am lost, confused, tired, sad, and overwhelmed—but I am still breathing.

Before I got sober, I felt this huge, dark, empty hole deep in my gut. It felt like the wind was blowing right through that hole. I have a similar feeling now. I feel a deep penetrating hole—but this time, not in my gut. It is in my heart. Call me crazy, but I physically feel these things. I feel this right above my left breast. It is empty . . . broken . . . my momma’s place. Since she passed away, I have felt like an orphan, lost in a world I can no longer make sense of. I am sure part of these feelings have some type of deep-seated biological or evolutionary meaning—but I can only look through the eyes of this lost little girl. I miss her more than I can put into words.

I know many of you know my mother, and others of you only know my stories of her. Either way, you know that my mom was not always an easy woman to love. She was opinionated, quick to anger, loved to argue, and said whatever the hell she felt. Not a lot of filters. But to a young child—she was my world. I stood up for her and protected her the best way I knew how, because even as a kid I knew my mom was damaged.

I will never know what happened to her when she was growing up. I will never understand the things that hurt her and made her need to protect her heart with the force that she did. All I know for sure is that I loved her and I am certain that she loved me beyond measure. She wasn’t able to show it in the ways some mothers do, but she was fierce when it came to protecting me. Maybe that’s why I feel abandoned: my backup is no longer there. It’s so hard to walk forward when there is no longer someone to catch you when you fall. No one to ask for guidance, and no one who is always in my corner.

I feel blessed to have had her as my mother. I am so grateful for the things she blessed me with: two beautiful sisters who make my life worth living, an ability to face the world and not take any shit, a great sense of humor, and the ability to laugh at myself. One of the things that truly stands out to me is her sense of humor and the times we spent laughing together. I mean the kind of laughter where tears run out of your eyes, no sound comes out of your mouth, and you’re bent over double because your stomach hurts from laughing so hard. I’m not sure that everyone knew what a great sense of humor she had.

I miss those times. I miss her. I wish I had one more minute just to hug her, thank her, tell her I love her.

Happy Birthday Momma. I love you.