Ramblings of an Inquisitive Mind

Drowning

It seems like such a long time since I last sat down to share what I’m thinking and feeling. Over the course of the last year I have tried to sit down and write, but my heart just wasn’t in it. I have struggled so much since mother and dad passed away at the end of 2015. I have hidden myself away for many reasons, one of the biggest being not wanting to deal with my own pain and my own loss.

Another reason was the feeling that most people were tired of hearing about my life, and my inability to cope with the hand I’ve been dealt. Then I went through a phase of feeling that no one was really worthy of knowing me on a deep level, because no one really cares.

So why have I decided to start writing again? Because my survival depends on it. The events that occur in my life occupy space in my head, and I need to share them: for myself and also, I hope, to provide some comfort and some hope for others who relate to my story.

This weekend two events occurred and I have not been able to stop my brain from entangling them. First, my friend Barbara posted an article on Facebook titled, “Drowning Doesn’t Look Like Drowning.” The article, written by Mario Vittone, explains that 10% of drownings happen with adults nearby, but they have no idea that someone is in trouble and is dying. The article describes the “Instinctive Drowning Response,” a physiological response intended to help the person avoid suffocation. The respiratory system shuts down speech as the person is fighting to breathe. The person instinctively puts their arms out to the side or presses down on the water in an effort to elevate their body. The body is trying to conserve energy and to survive – but this means the person is unable to scream, wave, or splash to signal to others their need for help.

If you are like me, I have only seen the Hollywood version of drowning. Someone in the water – bobbing up and down – waves wildly, splashes frantically, and screams for help. Our idea of what drowning should look like clouds our ability to see what is genuinely going on right in front of us. The idea that we could be right beside someone who is actually dying and not even know it is horrifying to me. I read this article and it just stuck in my head.

Later in the weekend, I learned that a high school classmate of mine had taken his own life. You have to understand that I came from a very small school – if we had 30 people in my class I would be surprised. We all knew each other for all 12 years of school and probably even before that. I remember this man well – he always seemed to be smiling and laughing back in the day.

So my brain has tied these two events together. I wonder how many times I walk right by someone who is emotionally, spiritually, or mentally drowning. How many times do I pass someone without taking the time to look them in the eye or say hello? Who knows what just being present in my own life might mean for someone I pass on the street.

I wonder how many times someone near me is dying on the inside and I don’t take the time to notice. How many people are silent, never signaling the pain and torment they’re suffering. How many people appear to be fine but are in reality drowning in their silence, unable to raise a hand to wave for help.

I want to challenge myself, and also challenge you, to actively participate in your life. How much does it cost us to extend the simple kindness of letting others know they matter? How much does it cost us simply to check on each other? Life is so fragile, and our time here so limited. I want to make the most of it, and help others make the most of it, by looking for the true signs of emotional, mental, and spiritual drowning. I want to help someone else keep their head above water.

Over this last year, and over my lifetime, I have had many angels who have held me up to keep me from going under. Thank you for recognizing that I was drowning. Thank you for saving me.