Ramblings of an Inquisitive Mind

This morning when I opened my eyes, a memory ran through my mind that started me thinking about friendship. As I reflected on this memory, I realized that to share it with you I would also need to share a little about my relationship with alcohol. I think this memory really hit home with me because of all the recent news about fraternity/sorority hazing, even though this was not a hazing incident, but occurred at the apartment of some “friends” over 30 years ago.

I did not start drinking until I was in my early 20’s and my drinking career lasted until I was 26. I did not drink long, but I drank hard. I never really thought I would drink, because I had seen what alcoholism looks like. There were people on both sides of my family who had struggled with alcohol and alcoholism. Alcohol was always a part of my life when I was growing up, and I hated it. I swore I would never drink.

However, all that changed the first time I got drunk and it made the world go away. What joy! The sadness, the depression, the feeling of never being good enough, the sense of loneliness – all gone at the bottom of a glass. That night I found my friend, my savior, my remedy. After that, I don’t remember ever just having a drink. If I drank, I was getting drunk – escaping to my other world.

Needless to say, this did not go well for me for very long. I had friends now, people to party and drink with. But in the pit of my soul I was still so alone, and so lonely. I cannot even begin to explain some of my behavior during this time. Some of it I can’t even remember. I started blacking out and in many cases I only have the stories my friends told me later – and believe me, those stories were not pretty. I would wake up some mornings, look outside, and see my car in the parking lot, without any memory of driving home or getting in bed.

One morning I woke up with the covers over my head, and panicked. I thought, Where the hell am I? Who the hell am I with? I slowly pulled back the covers and there I was, in my own room, alone in my bed. But I never thought about those scary moments when I started drinking again the next day.

I am sure I will share more of these stories as I begin to share more of my life with you. This is just to give you an idea of how I lost myself to alcohol – and how grateful I am to have survived this time in my life and started on a path of recovery.

So now, about that memory I wanted to share. I have always tried to be a good person; this has always been my goal in life. And I’ve always assumed people would treat me the way I treated them.

I had started hanging out with a group of girls I considered to be friends. I would have done anything for them. I was spending time with them at their apartment and, of course, I was drinking. Mainly beer at first, although my favorite drink was tequila. I usually had a bottle in the car and one day, one of them asked me to go get it. We were going to do some shots.

They poured the shots and we drank them, then they decided we would play a game and take shots each time someone did some crazy thing (who knows what). The thing is, I was the only one really drinking the tequila. They just pretended to drink. So over the course of the night I got wasted. I have no idea what happened, but they thought it was funny as hell. They took pictures of me drunk off my ass. They fed me and took photos of me trying to eat, and did other, similar things.

I have thought of this event often in my life, recognizing how cruel and heartless it was on their part. I also realize that I could have died that night. Even during that period of my life, I would never have done that to anyone.

That is the memory I awoke to first thing this morning, and immediately my heart said, That is not friendship. That is cruel and careless behavior. None of those women had the alcohol problem I did. They drank, but not to the extent I did. My first true friend was the woman who said to me, “Melissa, they tell us in AA if we black out we might have a problem with alcohol.” She was the first person who loved me enough to tell me the truth. That is what friendship is about.

True friends tell you the truth even when it hurts. That simple sentence, spoken by my sweet friend Barbara (RIP), stuck in my mind. After hearing that, every time I blacked out I would think, “I might be an alcoholic.” I am so grateful Barbara had the courage to be honest, and that she was there for me when I was ready to stop drinking.

Over the years, I have seen the demonstration of true friendship over and over. True friends love you even when you cannot love yourself. True friends take you to chemotherapy and care for you when you are sick afterwards. True friends make sure you are not alone when your parents are ill or when they pass away. True friends help you walk through your grief when it’s so blinding you can’t even see the path in front of you. True friends listen with kindness and caring. True friends do not exploit your weaknesses – true friends rejoice in your strengths.

Thank you to all the true friends who have carried me through some of the darkest parts of my journey. Life is difficult, but it would be unbearable without each of you.