Ramblings of an Inquisitive Mind

Author’s note: I started this blog post last December but never completed it. I decided that my word for the new year would be Transformation. I repeated this word over and over in my mind for the first few month of the year but never really saw any transformation taking place. Then I watch Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette and the transformation started rumbling deep in my soul. I will mark the place where I stopped writing in December and started fresh today.

Transformation

A couple of years ago, I reconnected with a high school friend. I had tried searching for her on Facebook but hadn’t been able to track her down. I wanted to get in touch because I knew she was also a lesbian and I hoped to connect and talk about our shared high school experiences. She was a few years younger than I was but we were from a small high school, so pretty much everyone knew everyone. I had heard through some high school folks that my friend had experienced some bullying when she went off to college. I had not talked to her since I left Waynesboro so many years ago.

I did finally make contact over Facebook and I was thrilled that she accepted my friend request. We quickly caught up; I shared my blogs with her, and she informed me that she was transitioning from female to male. This did not create a problem for me—I have known several people who have transitioned. But to be honest I was a little disappointed, because we had just reconnected and I looked forward to sharing some common experiences with my long lost friend.

But the more we talked and shared, and the longer I watched him go through his transition, the more I was amazed to see this beautiful human being become the person he was meant to be. I watched as his whole expression changed and his eyes began to light up, and somehow that was all that mattered: He was becoming his true, authentic self. I was so thrilled that we had reconnected during this meaningful time of his life. It was like watching a butterfly emerge from a cocoon, once bound to the earth by its caterpillar form, never imagining that soon it would learn to fly. My friend told me he had known since he was a small child who he was meant to be, and now the time had come to be that person.

I was amazed by his bravery and his willingness to live authentically. In fact, I began to feel somewhat jealous. I struggled to figure out why I was feeling this way.

Was I transgender? I spent time talking to Lorene, Sylvia, and my therapist about it. No—that was not it. I have never felt like I was born into the wrong body. I have never been extremely feminine (whatever that is) but I have never had the feelings my friend described.

Was I angry because of the male privilege my friend would now receive? No, that did not fit either. I continued to struggle with the question for months until it finally hit me right upside my hard old head. I was watching my friend become his true, authentic self. THAT is why I was jealous. I have not allowed myself to become the true, authentic person I am meant to be. Of course, my transition is a work in progress, because I have no idea –

This is the last sentence from my December writings.

So now I feel my transformation occurring. I have realized a lot of truths about myself. I have spent a great deal of my life trying to please people—almost begging people to please love me. You might think that sounds crazy, but let me share a little of my story with you.

I grew up in a small southern town. We attended the First Baptist Church in this small town and I was very active in church activities growing up. Early in my life, I realized I was different, although I did not have the language for it at that time because I lived a pretty sheltered life. It was not until I was around 12 that I realized I might be a lesbian. At that time, I still did not have a word for it. I was just terrified that I would grow up to be like the woman in town who everyone talked about. I sat in the tub one night and prayed to God not to be that way.

I am giving you this background so you can see that my self-hatred and self-doubt started at an early age. I was not like a lot of other kids my age. I did not date or hang out with friends. I stayed home with my parents and rode horses and took care of the animals. I had no desire to run with the crowd because deep inside I knew I did not belong. I knew my parents loved me and I really enjoyed hanging out with them.

Once I went off to college and fell in love for the first time, I realized that people can be very cruel. I attended a very small Baptist college and as you can image, the rumors about me began to fly. Right from the beginning I lost people who I thought were my friends—they totally dropped me and never spoke to me again. Understand that this was a Christian college and people turned their backs very quickly.

You also need to understand my naïve thinking. I just thought, I have been this way all my life and people loved me. So why should telling them the truth about me make a big difference? Well, it did. My mother badgered me until I finally told her the truth. She asked me if I loved my girlfriend the way I loved my sister or the way she loved my daddy. I said, I guess the way that you love daddy. Man—she lost her shit. It was the only time she ever hit me. Then she looked me dead in the eye and said, You might not wake up in the morning.

It was a horrible experience, and to say it did not scar me would be a lie. Over the course of my life I have had more of these reactions from my parents. Years later, I went to them again to talk about my life and a relationship. My father looked at me and said, “What you are and what you do is wrong, and I am not accepting another damn thing.”

Now, just let me say that when the two people I loved more than life itself reacted to my truth in this manner, I was crushed. I could not believe it. I did not trust love any more. Since that time, I have never trusted anyone not to pull the rug out from under me. In fact, I expect it. I expect it so much that I sabotage my relationships. I leave the relationship first, before the other person has a chance to hurt me.

So how does this relate to transformation? Well, I am done with that type of behavior. I am done begging people to love me. I am done trying to be everything for everyone. I am done carrying around this shame. I am done trying to make others feel comfortable with my sexuality. I am done feeling like a second-class human being. I am done feeling less than.

So, to my family and friends: Thank you for loving me just the way I am. I would like to share with you a little more about what I believe. I know it can be risky to take a single verse from the Bible and use it out of context, but I am going to do that here. There is a simple verse in the Bible that expresses what I believe: “God is Love.” And that is it. That is what I believe, and I always try to live my life in this manner. This is what I choose. I choose love.

I know I might still be a little naïve, but I think that is what life is all about. There is a lot of craziness in the world right now. There is a lot of hatred, hurt, intolerance, and harm in our country. I believe we all have the responsibility to respond with love and kindness.

I am so excited to be beginning my own transformation. I am hoping to spring forth from my cocoon and show the world my beautiful new wings.