Ramblings of an Inquisitive Mind

Am I living or just existing?

That is the question that has been weighing on my mind of late. Most days I am just existing, and that is not enough for me. I need more than just breathing in and exhaling. I need to make a difference somewhere, somehow.

I saw this quote today and it jerked my soul, so that I knew I had to write—had to question—had to start clawing my way back into this world.

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, tasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” ~Louise Erdrich

A few months ago I bought a bracelet that I loved when I first saw it. It is a band that looks like a tattoo; on it is the word Unbroken. I was so excited when I got it. I put it on—then I realized how untrue it was.

Unbroken. That is so untrue. I have been broken, over and over again. And I feel that with each episode of brokenness I try to glue myself back together, stand up straight, walk tall—but then I realize there is a piece missing. Over and over again, putting myself back together with the pieces and parts I can grab and fit back together. Some parts are not even in the right place anymore. Some are upside down and backwards. But still I figure out a way to make them fit—make them function—make them me.

I don’t wear the bracelet anymore because I know I am broken. Not beyond repair. But broken.

But aren’t we all broken? Life is hard. Life is unfair. We lose those we love. We watch our loved ones suffer and die. We watch the world we live in decaying around us. If you are like me, feelings of helplessness can become overwhelming. You want to make a change—make a difference. But not knowing how becomes just another depressing admission of my inadequacy.

I seem to be living my life in a hollow shell, aware of the world around me but never feeling whole enough or together enough to step out of this shell. Never well enough to really let anyone know me. I told my therapist I think life just sucks the joy out of you. She dropped her head into the palm of her hand and as she was shaking her head no, she said, No, that is not what life does. I bet she was thinking, All these years of therapy and this is where you are? We laughed and I said, Where is the joy?

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2013. Since that time I have lost both my parents, had two friends diagnosed with cancer, and lost some of my special animals. It seems like as soon as I am almost over one crisis, another one is waiting just around the bend.

Grief is not pretty. It changes you. For me, it is always just below the surface. I miss my mom and dad. I want to talk to them, hug them, see them and hear their voices again. I am angry that they are not here. I am angry that my joy has escaped me. I am angry that I have to continually put these damn pieces back together every goddamn day.

You know how, as you grow older, you look at yourself in the mirror and say, Who the hell is that? Well, that is the way I feel about my whole life—my whole body and soul. Who the hell am I? Why am I here? How do I get a little, if not all, of that joy—that soul—that person I once was, back? I miss laughing. I miss loving. I miss feeling alive.

I miss my joy.

So how do I start living again? How do I stop just existing, just taking up space? I am not sure, but I think this is a beginning. A willingness to be open, vulnerable, and truthful. There are days when I don’t want to be here anymore. Days when life seems too overwhelming. Days when I just don’t see the point.

I think maybe instead of thinking about life needing me, I should think about how much I need life. That may sound crazy to some of you, but it makes sense to me. I need life to show me how to live. To teach me how to put the pieces of me back together each time I fall. To teach me that every experience is precious—even those that are the most painful.

But to allow life to teach me, I must be open and willing to learn. I have let the difficulties I have been through hang a “Closed” sign on my heart. Feeling and loving deeply have taken an enormous toll on my being.

I can remain closed to the world around me—or I can decide to let life lead me back to the beauty and the joy of feeling. I can stop trying to change the world, and maybe allow the world to show me the beauty it holds.

As the quote says, Life will break you. Yes, it will. It has brought me to my knees, but this time while I am there I will try to listen for the apples falling and taste their sweetness. Because only by living with attention to each moment will I find the secrets that life has to teach me.

Joy is there. I am sure of it.