Ramblings of an Inquisitive Mind

Rest in Peace, Loretta

This week we lost Loretta Lynn and my heart broke. Her music filled my childhood. She was my daddy’s favorite and therefore she was also mine. I loved listening to her with my dad as we did our chores at the horse barn. Her music filled me with confidence and character, and I loved singing along. When I heard the news Tuesday morning, I closed my eyes and said, Tell Daddy I said hello.

Each time one of these childhood heroes passes away I feel more distance from that time in my life when things seemed so easy. When I actually felt like I knew who I was, and I felt grounded and whole. A time when the love I had for my parents was so real and I could reach out and touch them—hug their neck, sit in their lap, or just sit at the dinner table with them. We lived in the country and a lot of evenings were passed watching TV, playing cards, or just listening to them talk. Things seemed so simple and carefree. I miss them so much and I miss my childhood. 

My heart aches for those simpler times. I want them to be here with me and I want to be a child again. I long to be riding my horse Rio across the fields with nothing but the feel of the wind blowing through my hair and the beauty of our time together. The time, the distance, and the loss make it hard to even remember that young girl, the one full of hopes and dreams. The timid child hiding behind my mom. What happened to her? Where did she go? I am missing something deeply and I think it might be her. I would love to find her again. Maybe she could help the world make sense again.

I don’t want to deal with paying bills and struggling with issues that will not matter tomorrow but seem overwhelming today. I am tired of the struggles and strife that fill the world. I want to go back to when I felt safe and loved. Life is a struggle and sometimes I get so tired that I want to stop struggling and give up. Most of the time I just don’t see the point. I mean, What the hell is it all about? Do you know? I sure as hell don’t. 

We are here on this tiny little planet soaring through the universe and it just doesn’t make any sense. Just a grain of sand—just the blink of an eye. If that is what we are and how long we are here, then what the hell is it for and what the hell does it all mean? And does it even matter? 

Walk outside and look up at the night sky. Don’t you feel so tiny, so insignificant? And in the big scheme of things, aren’t we? All those stars off in the distance—what are they? What are we? We are made of the same molecules and chemicals as all the stars. Are we just parts of stars that have fallen to earth, and we are just trying to get back home? My mind thinks of all these crazy things when I am alone here late at night. 

If we are just bits of stars, and we join back up with other bits and pieces of stars when we leave this earth, I hope that means Loretta and Daddy are having a conversation right now. Talking about coal mining and music.