Ramblings of an Inquisitive Mind

I hear it calling – I feel the pulling. Darkness is calling me again. It seems that no matter how much I scream, claw, hide, or run, it always seems to find me. There have been times when I thought I had finally escaped its grasp. But no – it always finds me.

I used to be so afraid, fearing I would never be able to survive the clutches of this darkness. But over the years, I have learned not only to survive, but also to learn and to grow from and through these periods. Paul Simon’s lyrics ring so true for me: “Hello darkness, my old friend.” Over the years I have learned that my darkness is an old friend.

My darkness allows me to take a step back from my crazy life so I can focus on my next stage of being – my next soul state. It helps me learn what is important for my growth and essential to my evolution into a better human being. It isn’t like I go out and look for this to happen; it just does. It creeps up and wraps itself around my heart and I feel it. It is just here.

I often try to ignore the darkness by filling it up with various things. In the past I used alcohol and drugs, but now I look for other substitutes. I think, “If I just had this (fill in the blank), I am sure this feeling would go away.”

But I have learned that no amount of money, alcohol, drugs, chocolate, ice cream, home improvements, new cars, new dogs, or even new goats will make this go away. The only way to get there is to walk forward, feeling my way through the darkness. As I have learned over the years, I must let go and walk through this darkness alone, knowing that when I finally reach the other side I will be grateful for the lessons I’ve learned.

Now, for all of you who are asking: Yes, I am taking my meds. Yes, I am going to therapy. And yes, I am talking to friends and family. What I think I have learned in life is that this darkness is not about a chemical imbalance in my body as much as it is about a misalignment in my soul. That my life involves searching over and over again for a meaning and an answer.

So this is who I am: a spiritual gypsy with a hobo heart and a soul searching for answers, for love, and for meaning. In a world that is filled with so much hatred, hurt, pain, and suffering, my darkness really does not seem like such a scary place. It feels more like a homecoming – a friend’s couch where I can take a brief nap and replenish my soul.

I love each of you. Please don’t be afraid for me. Instead, rejoice with me as I walk through another dark night on my soul’s journey.